D-Day Anniversary

Today is my one year anniversary of the diagnosis and 28 weeks post chemo. My thoughts?
In no particular order and kind of jumbled. 
In conversations when I am trying to explain a gap I sometimes hear myself saying "and then I got sick", or "I was sick for a while last year". In truth I don't think if it or remember it  as being sick. I equate more with an accident. More like saying "last year I broke my leg and I had surgery then rehab and now I'm getting back on track." It feels more like that. Like it was an accident and I dealt with it. 
The cancer never made me sick. I didn't even know I had it. The treatments made me sick. The pills I take now make me feel bad but I don't wake up and say "damn cancer". I just feel like its done, its over. (but it isn't. I'm dealing with the aftermath and the ongoing work/rehab) But then again that's just life. We are all dealing with something. 


Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. John Maxwell 

5-15

Mothers Day

It does look longer from this angle! Someone asked me yesterday if my hair had always been this dark. I'm seeing more and more gray but all they noticed was the black. 

 Happy Mother's Day. I hope you are all taking the time to do something for yourself.  I went to yoga and then spent a few hours moving and re-potting some plants inside and out. It is only 81* today, a nice cool change for us and a chance to be outside without being miserable. Tonight I'm headed to Shakespeare in the Park at Zilker with Michael and Sydney and some of her family. 
My neighbor surprised me this morning with a beautiful bouquet, enough to fill two vases so I can take one to work tomorrow. 

This week is a Dr. free zone! I'll be at yoga or the gym every day still doing all of the stretches and trying to keep the joints in motion. The "joint pain" side effect of the Femara (drug) is awful.  I feel very creaky. It is snap, crackle and pop, swollen feet and hands and legs that don't want to stand. At work I remind myself to get up from my chair and walk around a few times a day. I'm allowed to take as much ibuprofen as I want but the idea of taking a med to combat the SE of a med is so irritating. I used to like the nice slow burn of a sore feeling the day after a good workout. It made you know that you accomplished something. Now I have the slow burn and jabby creaky pains but I can't tell if any of it is from my workouts and maybe resulting in much needed new muscle tone and  strength or is it just the SE? 
I'm doing some more digging and trying to figure what percentile I am in for re-occurrence since that is  what the drug is for. I didn't take a drug for the first 47 years of my life to prevent cancer so why should I take one now to stop it from happening again? Cancer is a big $$$$ game with lots of inside politics. I'm working through the information I have to figure out where I stand on some of the issues. 
I realize I veered from nice Mother's Day talk to medical crap. Sorry for that. I'l wrap it up with a yogic thought. Take the time to nourish yourself. To recharge your batteries and fill the lantern of your self with fuel so that you might shine brighter. Others are attracted to the light and when you are feeling well and rested and full it is easier for you to reach outs to share, to nourish and to assist others. (and to be a Mom).

5 -7 Notice the Pause

Right now you're breathing. You didn't think about it until I said it. 
Doing breathing exercises or dare I say it ...meditation..for me is like adding thought to that which normally happens automatically without thought. 
MY favorite simple breathing pattern: 
Breathe in, pause. Breathe out, pause. Don't worry about the length or depth or equality of the in and out. Just a normal breathe in then pause, then out, then pause.  
The pause at the inhale becomes the tiny space of awareness to the moment. The tiny space that allows you to notice, to absorb. The pause at the exhale becomes the release, the letting go. 
Inhale, pause. A tiny moment appears when you can see,  hear what someone just said or did. When you can take in something that just occurred or happened.  Exhale, pause. Another tiny moment appears before you have to react to what was said or what occurred. 
Very simple, mindful conscious breathe reinstates the precious moment of here and now. 
Funnily enough if you do a quick Google for breathing exercises you will see one come up for "trigger control". Most people have a normal pause at the exhale. If you've got a gun in your hand this is the pause you extend an extra second or two  and then you shoot!

5-6 round 2 (with pics)

  

 March 2-2012  

 dry hair top  and side view 

March 4-2012 this is 26 weeks post chemo 
 26 weeks sounds like so long and yet my hair is so very short. It will be three  years till I am at shoulder length.

 I found product, yeah! Hair paste and wax will work best at this length I've been told. I had so much fun the past three days playing with this stuff. It smells like pineapple, it is thick and does not take much (it will last a long time). It holds all day and I can restyle by getting it wet. Notice how healthy my fingernail looks here :) and yep that's Nala Cat in the background

March 6, top of head and look..a little more growth over the fingers! 

Funny thing I heard on the news "Research proves people look best from their left side" 
they did studies and people react more favorably to the faces they see  that are showing more left side. What do you think? Do you have a favorite side?

5-6 ChaChaChaChanges..

Rain glorious rain. Big huge overnight rain with all the fixins. Thunder that shook the house, lightning went off like popping  flash bulbs and it didn't just dump and run.   woke up to a nice overcast steady drizzle. Austin needed this. So the 7:30 AM hilly walk with my neighbor was cancelled and I am headed to a sweaty 9:00AM vinyasa downtown with one of my favorite teachers: Jenn Wooten. http://www.yogayoga.com/teachers/jenn
I tried to run  a few times in the past few weeks in the evenings and it just does not feel so great. I'm experiencing the most dreaded side effect of my new drug  Femara: joint pain. Sharp pains in the knees off and on all day. When I sit at work then stand up 20 minutes later I get a stab and dull ache. My ankles and toes crackle. My wrists and elbows are sore. It takes me a few minutes to think and stretch before I slowly crawl out of bed in the morning. I've talked to Dr. Pat's Nurse and I'm allowed to take as many Advil, Aleve, Ibuprofen and aspirin as I want so I started with a 200mg ibuprofen in the morning and another later in the day as needed. I'm keeping track of the results and I have the option to switch to one other medicine if the symptoms don't get better in a few months (or as Nurse Candy said...sometimes you just get used to it and stop thinking about it so much) I'm not sure I liked that response. Do I want to "get used to" having pains? I don't want to stop any of my physical activities, I was hoping to increase my stamina and strength in the next few months. I walk in the mornings with the girls at work. We do a quick 20 minute lap around the industrial park at work. I'm averaging 4 yoga classes a week but I'm still lacking some cardio and muscle building. 
I've started the hunt for a gym. May is the push off for another super hot summer in the city and one good reason to work out inside. I know that I am driven by group exercise so I'm looking for a gym with lots of classes. And of course I want it convenient to work and home. This month I am taking free classes at a new gym (their big push to get you hooked and signed up) http://cgarenagroupfitness.com/ 
I took the 6:00AM spin on Friday. My first spin since Belgium and it was great! High aerobic and low impact on the joints. I will go a few more times in the next weeks to see how busy they get at the time of day I would normally go. If this one does not work out there are 3-4 others in the area to try. 
My friend Amy is participating in a very Austin event this month. The Frost Bank Tower Climb fund raiser for Lung Cancer. http://action.lung.org/site/TR/Climb/ALAPG_PlainsGulfRegion?px=4878130&pg=personal&fr_id=5031
I saw her post a few weeks ago and wanted to immediately join the team. (but then realized there is no way I am ready for this kind of challenge so I added to her funds instead) Maybe next year? Would be a nice goal. What made me want to even think about it this year is it is only days away from my 1 year anniversary of diagnosis. 
Time to leave for yoga. I'll post pics later today and new post coming soon about hair. 
PS..Tuesday this week ended up being my last PT visit. I still have to do the work on my own. I highly recommend this place if anyone needs PT. They work with all types of injuries, post surgery and athletes. Elite PT 1515 West 38th St. Austin 512-302-5551



Lyrics: David Bowie "Changes" 
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Just gonna have to be a different man
Time may change me
But I can't trace time

5-1 Scar work

May already?Time to review my 2012 list and see how it's going. 

PT today. I've been going now once a week for 8 months (with a few breaks). She can get into the scar tissue better than I can and I know I'm hesitant to squeeze as hard as she does (because it hurts and its hard to intentionally hurt yourself!). 

My PT is using kinesiology tape on the port scar and also massaging the heck out of it.  I was randomly feeling nasty little bee sting sensations all through the day but now it's decreased. 

The scar from the lumpectomy is barely noticeable but she is still working on the ball of scar tissue under the skin. She's starting doing acupuncture right into it and I can tell you scar tissue has more sensation that regular skin. And therein lies the problem. The scar tissue clumps up and acts like a road block  preventing your nerves from freely zipping around under your skin. 

 I had no idea it would take so much time and work and I don't think it ever gets back to normal or healed. I think you just get to a point where it affects you less. Or more likely you find that you have maxed your insurance for PT visits (I know I'm close).